


Who the Fuck is James?

by COMEDYGOLD



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Bucky is having a great time, Christine Everhart is still salty about Iron Man 2, Implied Super Smash Brothers, M/M, Mild Language, Multi, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sam is do done, Scott is a Drama Queen, Steve is dying but not really, Steve is kinda lost, Stucky - Freeform, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony too, WHIH World News is still on that bullshit, i'll add more tags with each chapter, implied Thorki, implied Thunder Science, is it considered mild?, mentions of Thanos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/COMEDYGOLD/pseuds/COMEDYGOLD
Summary: Captain America is dying while America (and by extension - the world) falls in shambles. One of their best defenders is about to kick the bucket, WTF are they supposed to do now?? Poor Bucky is in denial and Sam is just over it.orThe one where America world lost their shit for a week because they thought Captain America was dying. It's a comedy, I promise.





	Who the Fuck is James?

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't completed a fic in a few years and I genuinely believe that I've lost the ability to write anything that wasn't a research paper. 
> 
> This is my way of loosening my brain a bit, flexing my fingers and writing the most absurd thing I could think of at the moment.
> 
> So here i am, a simply gal, trying her best.
> 
> i hope it's enjoyable.
> 
> Also slight PSA this fic makes light mentions of Infinity War Part .

_746_

_747_

_748_ __  
  
Sam doesn't do it on purpose, honest. He's just acclimatized to the bullshit that was the Avengers, so much so that a part of him counts down to the next event. Simply waiting for the next tomfoolery to happen.  
  
_749_  
  
Mind you, he was well aware that he too was a member of the Bullshit Initiative. _Earth's mightiest heroes, my ass._ Sam however, saw himself as the sanest one.  
  
_750_  
  
Not because of his day job, or his tendency to mind his own business, everyone else was crazy and he seemed to notice.  
  
_752_  
  
The timer usually begins the moment he wakes until the second he falls asleep. There were times that he was able to count throughout the day without resetting, they were rare, but oh so cherished. Again, the counting wasn’t on purpose, but 756 seconds ago, he was forced to start over.

It was only noon.

He was in the kitchen, preparing lunch when Thor came in with an attentive Steve to his right, telling him all about this app that Loki introduced him to where he can connect with lots of _‘brothers in arms.’_

It was fucking Grindr.  
  
_760_

  
Steve looked like shit. Like he had just walked through a flaming building. But he seemed content and a bit excited about Grindr while holding a box of unscathed food (probably for Bucky) so Sam chose to not stress over it.  
  
_770_  
  
Sam would have had to reset this timer twice if he did.  
  
_771_  
  
However, he made a mental note to clear up the whole Grindr thing with the two blondes. But firstly, to find out whether or not Loki knew the actual use of the app. He was still a trickster after all.  
  
_773_  
  
Sam suspected Loki and Thor of having some sort of beyond brotherly relationship but it really isn't his place to say. Even though he did walk in on a heated tongue battle between them the week before, it still wasn’t his place to say.

It could be an Asgardian thing for all he knew. And he wasn’t about to disrespect the culture.

Plus, Thor also seemed to be overly handsy with Bruce when in the same room, and Loki did appear to be The Hulk's favourite, always so gentle with him. So everything’s just up in the air.  
  
_778_  
  
Nevertheless, he'll get to the bottom of The Grindr thing, just in case.  
  
_780_  
  
How did Loki even find out about Grindr?  
  
_781_  
  
Probably from that Grandmaster guy with the weird name. He's been on earth for a while, and him and Loki were pretty close. Plus, Sam ran into him a few times with a new twink on his arm each time. All looked alarmingly like Loki.  
  
_782_  
  
Sam wondered also if Loki knew about the Grandmaster's weird obsession with him.   
  
_785_  
  
He should probably mind his business and continue making his club sandwich.  
  
_786_  
  
_I wonder if Rhodes might want one._  
  
_787_  
  
Just then, his phone rang with Scott’s face flashing on the caller ID. _That's odd, Tic Tac never calls_.   
  
_788_

  
Text? Yes. Send funny memes and videos? Yes. Call? No.  
  
_790_  
  
So Sam answered, "yeah?"  
  
Only for Scott to reply with a frantic, "Dude! How could you not tell me Cap's DYING?!!"

What the fuck, "you know that man is my fucking hero, I could there for him right now, helping poor Bucky with whatever the guy needed. Just because I'm like an Avenger adjacent doesn’t mean I should have to find out about these things on Twitter like some _civilian_ ,” the last word spat out like a disgusting taste in his tongue, “I'm a hero guy too you know! Not cool man, not cool!"  
  
Sam sighed.  
  
_1_

* * *

 

 Scott stomped his way through Avengers Facility some hours later with the same nervous energy he displayed over the phone and a disgruntled Cassie in his arms.  
  
"Where is he, where is he, I need to find him!" he yelled, too flustered to get anything else out. So obviously, no one knew to whom he was referring but they, just as frantically, were willing to assist. 

An unnamed agent (possibly an intern), eventually led him to Agent Romanov before scurrying back, eager to return to his space of normalcy; or whatever was considered normal when you worked in the same territory that housed two legitimate super soldiers, a low key super soldier (but she never talks about it so we don’t acknowledge it), some aliens, an assassin here and there, and whatever Vision was. Let's not forget the man himself, Tony Stark and his Science Bro, Bruce Banner who's also a part-time giant green rage monster. Literally. There was a lot more, but Unnamed Intern would have taken a while if he tried to list all the residents and he desired nothing more than to retreat to his pseudo safe space. So he did.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" Lang was wheezing, if Nat hadn’t known any better, she would have thought he ran with Cassie all the way over here. But he lacked the sweat, except for the tiny beads on his forehead and palms that he gets when it’s concerning Captain America. He’s got a little man-crush and wasn't ashamed, "Are you looking for Rogers?"  
  
Finally, after regaining enough composure, "yes... yes! Rogers! Mr. Captain America, please, yes I need to see him!" Then handed over Cassie to her, unceremoniously she might add, "Peanut, I'll be back in a few."  
  
"Try the roof!" The Black Widow called after him as he ran down the hall.  
  
 The two girls trailed along slowly in same direction, "what’s wrong with you papa, little Stinger?" The kitchen was also in that direction.  
  
"Daddy thinks Uncle Stevie’s gonna die soon," huh.., “But I told him that’s not true because Uncle Bucky woulda told me,” this she was certain of.

Cassie and Bucky had clicked almost instantly. He was quite the babysitter and rather much enjoyed their tea parties. While he hadn’t completely warmed up to her father (he was just too handsy with his Stevie), he absolutely adored Cassie, so Scott was tolerated.  
  
"And where did your daddy hear this?"  
  
"Uncle Luis told him," of course, Luis probably knew Thanos was coming before Bruce fell from the sky with the news, "he saw it on the internet."  
  
The internet.

Of course.

She could sense this would become an issue in the near future, but she chose the path of ignorance for now, "I’m sure Luis got it mixed up," sometimes, the best way to deal with incoming fuckery was to avoid the problem until it goes away; or shows up at your front door to inform you of a new policy the United Nations came up with that was overseen by hard-ass Thaddeus Ross to limit the activities of the Avengers. A policy, which at face value, didn’t make much sense, but then did in some parts and compromises could have probably been negotiated, but that was never addressed since the next thing she knew the some UN officials got blown up and then her friends were fighting each other.

Arguably, those were simpler days, they only had one alien invasion.

  
"Daddy checked the internet too. He almost started crying," _because he's and idiot._ But she wasn't going to tell that to the man's offspring. The little Stinger would probably rebuttal with a, _‘superheroes can’t be idiots, if they were, they wouldn’t be able to save the world.’_  
  


You'd be surprised.

  
"Come Stinger, let’s go eat," it will be dealt with later, "I bet you’re hungry."  
  
"Always!"

 

* * *

 

So, it turned out that Scott wasn’t being a complete idiot after all.

He hadn’t found Steve on the rooftop, but instead, in the lounge, along with Tony Stark and Thor. They weren’t doing anything particularly noteworthy, Steve was rambling on about _Pirate of the Caribbean: At Worlds End_ being a visual masterpiece.  Stark had recommended him the series two weeks prior and Steve had fallen in love with the third installment, “Elizabeth Swan was just so stunning yet badass at the same time. And the wedding scene was just perfect! I feel like if me and Bucky were to marry then that's probably how it'll go.”

“Obviously, I'm officiating.”

“Why would you be,” Thor argued, “I'm an actual King therefore, the honour is all mine.”

Tony could have low-blowed it with a, “you can't be the king of a place that no longer exists,” but digressed.

He wouldn't have gotten out a reply anyways. Scott came fumbling into the room, and being the drama queen that he was with his Masters of Engineering degree, began to sob. Like, _really_ sob. Heavy voice, teary, blurry eyes, snot nosed. Everything.

The visual of his childhood hero doing something so mundane was too much for him.

It took the other three heroes a solid twenty minutes to get the Ant-Man under control. Ten minutes in however, poor Sam Wilson was on his way to an evening jog – with Bucky at his six. The lounge scene that welcomed him was sobbing Lang in the arms of a consoling Thor, who seemed a second way from crying himself. Sighing, Sam simply turned around and headed back in the direction from which he came. On his way out, he could be heard by Bucky sighing out a, “one…”

Whatever that meant.

Upon seeing Bucky though, Scott wept harder.

And after much hair stroking on Thor’s part and some awkward back patting from Steve, Scott was able to express his grievances.

It was met with silence until Thor himself got rid of incoming tears, “the insect man is referring to Rogers' mental decline.”

The silence remained, save for Scott’s occasional sniffling, he took it as his cue to further explain, “I was informed by an admirer. As you know, I’m very popular here on Midgard. And today, while on my way to purchase cheesecake for Loki, he does indeed love the strawberry flavor, I happened to cross paths with a fan who was adamant to have his picture taken with me. After thanking me, he then offered his condolences concerning Steve Rogers, to which, I urged and explanation. Of course, as I’ve been informed, the internet is unable to lie so therefore, it must be true.”

Again, Thor received nil response, aside from the still whimpering Scott and now, the rapid fire finger-to-phone tapping that Tony started doing.

How rude of them.

“Thor,” Steve started after what appeared to be much contemplation on his part, “is that why you recommended earlier I join Grindr?”

Now _that_ racked up some responses. Well, more like, a choking Tony who almost dropped his phone and a sniggering Bucky. Sniffling Scott still.

If Cassie were could only see him now. She wouldn’t be ashamed of him, of course not, crying was a sign of strength not weakness, and Peanut was raised right. She might seek to avenge her dad though and Scott didn’t want the stress. Bucky might get involved on behalf of his Stinger. And Bucky, as of now, had to prepare himself for his dying mate.

“That is exactly why,” Thor responded, “I believe that the application is used to develop connections with others whom have gone through similar experiences as you have. It might make the transition easier.”

“And by transition,” that was Bucky, “you mean…”

“Death.”

The quiet Tony finally spoke, okay, so firstly, Thor, Grindr is an app used for dudes to finds other dudes they like and hook up. You know, have sex. In a perfect world they’ll find their true love but let’s just stick to sex. I’m sensing that Loki told you this.”

“Secondly, based on what you just said, and Scott’s drivel, the Grindr recommendation should then be given to Terminator here since its Cap who’s gonna kick the bucket.”

“I’m not dying though-”

“And thirdly, I found it,” then projected the content on his phone via hologram.

 

* * *

 

This was the #1 trending topic on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr, brought to you by WHIH World News.

****

**_Are Captain America’s days numbered?_**  


_The notion that Captain America might have reached his last leg seems to be the view of many._

  
_This theory first surface after an interview with The Captain was conducted by our very own WHIH World News. Captain America assisted with a fire and rescue in Queens, New York earlier today. He was alone, not counting the firefighters, dressed as a civilian and lacking his shield. Later, during the interview, when asked about his partner, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, The Captain had no memory of his best friend and was quoted saying, "who the fuck is James?"_  
  
_He then jokingly dismissed it as having 'a senior moment’ after having his memory jogged a bit. Although jest, it raised an alarm for many, with many startling questions about the mental state of the centenarian._  
  
_Now, everyone has to wonder, is this the beginning of the end for Captain America?_

_\- Article written by, Christine Everhart_

 

* * *

 

Scott was back in Thor’s arms sobbing once more.

Fucking Christine.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are cool.  
> Constructive criticism is always welcome.  
> But don't be a dick.


End file.
